I am no longer who I am

Reflections for GESL, reflections for DCM, reflections for SBA, reflections after reflections... But, when was the last time you had reflections of yourself?

I realised I am no longer like who I was 4 years ago. We had our happiest times 4 years ago. We used to be so loving, because we experienced the feeling of gaining back something so precious that we lost before. I was then a girl with a very kind heart, so kind that I even helped a snail crossed its path, because I'm afraid a cyclist or someone inconsiderate will step on it and crush it to death. I used to be someone who was cheerful and friendly, always cracking jokes with others, someone who was always there for him, whenever he feels down.

But I have changed. I have become such a monster. I snatch seats on the mrt (because I have gained so much weight, and my legs hurt everytime i stand long), I talk bad things about people in front of them so loudly (thinking that they should know their own bad points so that they can change them), I have such a black heart now, I get easily irritated when people knock onto me or whatever. I've become so intolerant, impatient, easily-agitated person. I have gained so much weight and I have a fucking humongous tummy in me that people think I am pregnant. I have lost all my self confidence. I feel like shit now.

I used to ask him this, "What do you like in me?"
He said, "You have a kind heart, and very caring towards others."
I asked him this just now, "After being together for so many years, do you still think there is beauty in me?"
He asked "how do you define beauty?"
I said, " it might not be in terms of looks, maybe the heart or anything"
He said, "erm... yes ba"

I dunno what he really thinks, but I think that is a default answer. He seems not able to tell me if I am still attractive to him in any way. I personally think I have become such a failure in life. I have become such a bad and evil person. I feel bad inside me. I think I will get my retribution soon. Who knows I have already got my retribution? for having this terrible fucking big belly of mine, and that he can no longer hug me by my waist with one hand. I am so useless.

Memories just keep flashing back as I listen to this song - Looking thru your eyes. Memories of the old times, at World Trade Centre, the sea, the stars, the merlion, the breeze, the one and only genuine and lovely heart-to-heart talk, all the precious Vivien Special gifts, the greatest care and love I had....

Star light star bright first star i see tonight...
I wish I could, I wish I might...